meanie

...forgot what i wanted to say already.

i do remember it's something about myself being mean... and selfish... but oh well...

ah it's coming back. i was thinking about... something that makes me feel bad. painful... the feeling of being rejected, of being unwanted... was painful, and makes me want to cry... maybe that's why i dont reach out to people anymore, maybe that's why i dont want any relationships... because the feeling of being betrayed really sucks, because it'd hurt a lot if u find out that the person you like (and think he/she likes you too) actually doesn't like you at all, and thinks that you're... annoying, ugly, disgusting...

but now that i think about it... would it still hurt a lot if u get hurt many times and experience that feeling many times? would it hurt as much as before? my own answer to this question is... yes it would. just thinking about it makes me sad... i dont want to be overly sentimental but it's the truth. i cannot stand anything of that sort so i'd better be smart and refrain from getting close to anyone.

and although i am scared to feel anything again... i do not hesitate to hurt people. yes.. i'm a meanie.
the truth is... if my leaving wayne has brought him any "hurt," then my above statement is not false. somehow i have the "belief" that you need to have some "bad experience" to grow up... although, what right do i have to give him that bad experience?
i did not want to... honestly, i wanted to make him happy... but i was... selfish and... disgusted by affectionate conversations and... i was in fact not capable of giving him affection... that he wanted from me... so.
whatever that was... just call me selfish!! i dont have any explanations for that... i was stupid and thought i could do something to help... in the end i made things worse... just like jack's case... tho it was a different story... >_<

ya so, now i use that as an excuse... because people need "hurt" to grow up... so let them get hurt and stop whining!! but you know what... if someone had said that to me while i was hurt... i'm sure i'd feel worse...

but... i'm selfish afterall, so wahtever i do... is out of selfish purposes... when i try not to hurt people... i do that not cus i really want to protect them... but because i dont want them to think me bad...

i dont know how to care about people anymore... i mean... i dont care! i want to, but how? it seems that everything i do is out of selfish purposes, even when i say my goal is to help people... i want to study IDS because i want to help poor people... it's cus helping people makes me feel useful, it makes me feel that my life is finally meaningful to some people... that even if she doesnt want me anymore... i'd still be wanted somewhere...

is that selfish? i want to be assured and hv someone to tell me "no, it's not a 100% selfish purpose... just a bit"
haha... cus that's what i thought...
i still believe that i... am not totally selfish because i do really want to make people happy... even if they don't thank me, even if their happiness has nothing to do with me... (ok i do want them to thank me, cus that's what makes me feel i'm useful... but i wouldnt stop helping people or hate them if they dont thank me =P)

*sigh*

but i'm a self-centred person afterall... just look at this blog =_=;;;