personal thoughts uncensored. warning: ultra sentimental (?), repetitive, self-centered and uncomprehensible unless you're the worm in my stomach.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

activists

【 本 報(Apple Daily) 訊 】 立 法 會 議 員 「 長 毛 」 梁 國 雄 與 數 名 四 五 行 動 成 員 , 昨 日 到 位 於 灣 仔 的 緬 甸 駐 港 領 事 館 示 威 , 抗 議 緬 甸 軍 政 府 軟 禁 民 運 領 袖 昂 山 蘇 姬 , 並 譴 責 該 國 政 府 鎮 壓 民 主 運 動 。 示 威 者 於 昨 日 下 午 一 時 由 灣 仔 修 頓 球 場 出 發 遊 行 到 緬 甸 駐 港 總 領 事 館 , 並 沿 途 不 斷 高 喊 口 號 。 梁 國 雄 促 請 緬 甸 軍 政 府 立 刻 釋 放 昂 山 蘇 姬 及 所 有 政 治 犯 。

political activists... i often admire the courage of these people, to be able to protest (in this case) for other people's sake, for (political-related) issues that they think are not right and demand for the right course of action...
these people have the mind and courage to do this... to me it's truely admirable...

cus when looking at myself... i did not do anything even when i think something is really not right... putting political issues aside, even for my own issues...
say for instance the mother-cutting-hair issue... hahaha, i hv been suffering from it for years... when have i ever said to her DONT CUT MY HAIR? i don't think i have ever protested other than crying once after she cut it (in P.4 i think) and trying to escape from the scene when she wanted to cut my hair... it's not like i've never expressed my feelings, but she took it as ungratefulness and got angry at me instead... funny... maybe i expressed it the wrong way... hahaha... yes somehow it's come back to being MY FAULT again... so how would i have the reasons and courage to protest or do anything?

but then... for political issues... like the american war on afghanistan... again i did nothing. i dont mean i alone could hv done a lot... but i could at least start something in school and ask people to give signatures and express the feeling that we DID NOT WANT the war... we... some stupid catholic school in HK... did not want america to invade afghan... hahaha... who would hv listened? i simply did not believe in those things...

but isn't it the same for mr "long hair" ? some politicians and insignificant citizens in HK protesting in HK (at the door of the Cambodian ambassy <-- spelling?) about the treatment of this rebellion leader (?)... who would listen? really... it's not like these people could threaten the relations between HK and Cambodia... they aren't even the political leaders of HK... nor do they represent the majority opinion of HK people... how would they matter?

however mr. longhair still did it... knowing it could most probably be a useless thing to do... i admire him for his determination and courage..; maybe it's not too hard for him cus he's already been doing things like that for years... but for a person to have such endurance... is not easy, and i think this quality is worth appreciating and if i could... i'd really like to learn from him... (which... for a perosn like me who lacks long-term determination and endurance... is not very possible ~_~)

anyways... that's it for now... i hope the actions of mr. longhair can raise the attention of more HK people and organize more influential protests not just in HK, but nearby S. Asian countries to demand Aung San Su Kyi's freedom.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

...yay

......yay

i like my blog... cus it looks neat and tidy...

i'd like to open another blog to share my manga... =) but but... it's uhm... lagelli (pls read reversed)...

o.o hmm... maybe i'll just not make it public XD

ok POLB92 test in 10+ hours... i should sleep now and get ready sooon.... =_=

meanie

...forgot what i wanted to say already.

i do remember it's something about myself being mean... and selfish... but oh well...

ah it's coming back. i was thinking about... something that makes me feel bad. painful... the feeling of being rejected, of being unwanted... was painful, and makes me want to cry... maybe that's why i dont reach out to people anymore, maybe that's why i dont want any relationships... because the feeling of being betrayed really sucks, because it'd hurt a lot if u find out that the person you like (and think he/she likes you too) actually doesn't like you at all, and thinks that you're... annoying, ugly, disgusting...

but now that i think about it... would it still hurt a lot if u get hurt many times and experience that feeling many times? would it hurt as much as before? my own answer to this question is... yes it would. just thinking about it makes me sad... i dont want to be overly sentimental but it's the truth. i cannot stand anything of that sort so i'd better be smart and refrain from getting close to anyone.

and although i am scared to feel anything again... i do not hesitate to hurt people. yes.. i'm a meanie.
the truth is... if my leaving wayne has brought him any "hurt," then my above statement is not false. somehow i have the "belief" that you need to have some "bad experience" to grow up... although, what right do i have to give him that bad experience?
i did not want to... honestly, i wanted to make him happy... but i was... selfish and... disgusted by affectionate conversations and... i was in fact not capable of giving him affection... that he wanted from me... so.
whatever that was... just call me selfish!! i dont have any explanations for that... i was stupid and thought i could do something to help... in the end i made things worse... just like jack's case... tho it was a different story... >_<

ya so, now i use that as an excuse... because people need "hurt" to grow up... so let them get hurt and stop whining!! but you know what... if someone had said that to me while i was hurt... i'm sure i'd feel worse...

but... i'm selfish afterall, so wahtever i do... is out of selfish purposes... when i try not to hurt people... i do that not cus i really want to protect them... but because i dont want them to think me bad...

i dont know how to care about people anymore... i mean... i dont care! i want to, but how? it seems that everything i do is out of selfish purposes, even when i say my goal is to help people... i want to study IDS because i want to help poor people... it's cus helping people makes me feel useful, it makes me feel that my life is finally meaningful to some people... that even if she doesnt want me anymore... i'd still be wanted somewhere...

is that selfish? i want to be assured and hv someone to tell me "no, it's not a 100% selfish purpose... just a bit"
haha... cus that's what i thought...
i still believe that i... am not totally selfish because i do really want to make people happy... even if they don't thank me, even if their happiness has nothing to do with me... (ok i do want them to thank me, cus that's what makes me feel i'm useful... but i wouldnt stop helping people or hate them if they dont thank me =P)

*sigh*

but i'm a self-centred person afterall... just look at this blog =_=;;;